I really do try to stay optimistic, but, um, enough is enough already. I can barely eat, sleep, or think anymore. I have become Comfortably Numb. Yes, I just quoted Pink Floyd. I have resorted to looking to music in an attempt to define how I am feeling, because I honestly don't know anymore.

"I'm pretty good, how are you?", "I'm good.", "I'm fine.", and "I'm alright" have been my automatic responses to the question of how I am doing for so long that now that I'm not sure I even know the truth anymore. So, Where Is My Mind? (yup, Pixies reference).

My mind is avoiding the reality that there are people depending on me and I am failing. To the core of my existence I believe that I am doing the best that I can-but that is not going to keep us afloat much longer. My mind is ignoring the whispers, be they real or imagined, that keep saying I'm not trying hard enough. My mind is scheming up ways to find a good job without a working vehicle or phone.

My mind is hoping my determination will be enough to get me through my bachelors program while my world is crashing down around me. My mind is trying to find ways to pay the rent, power, and water bills with what is simply not enough. My mind is pondering how I will ever manage to make the change I want to see in the world a reality- when I cannot even change my own reality.

I just want to be happy. I just want to enjoy my life and my family. But the world is just not that simple anymore. Having an education isn't good enough. Being over-qualified is a problem. Being inexperienced is a problem. Not knowing the right people is... a problem. So, what am I gonna do? I don't know. But I do know that I Wont Back down (thank you Tom Petty).

I gotta keep on keepin on.  I gotta just put my iPod on shuffle, close my eyes and just let myself fall into the abyss of the unknown- with my head held high- and pray for a soft landing. Because life is a blessing - it's Magic (Pilot) and I can't deny that some of those days are Shiny Diamonds (ICP).

Weep for yourself, my man,
You'll never be what is in your heart
Weep little lion man,
You're not as brave as you were at the start
Rate yourself and rake yourself,
Take all of the courage you have left
Wasted on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head

But it was not your fault but mine
and it was your heart on the line
I really fucked it up this time
Didn't I, my dear?...

Mumford and Sons- Little Lion Man